22
Dec
10

#9 Telephone – Lady Gaga ft. Beyoncé (Top 10 Worst Songs of 2010)

It's hard to believe, but there are actually two women in this picture. Can you find them?

I like Telephone. The beat is good and I can see myself dancing to it. The music video on the other side is complete crap, thus making the song worth to be amongst the worst of 2010.

First, let’s take a look at the lyrics. It’s about a woman, I guess, who is constantly being called while being on a party. This problem can be easily solved and we could have been avoided 3:41 minutes of annoying sounds only if Gaga had turned her cellphone off. Also, is it really a subject worth singing for? I mean who cares that someone won’t stop calling you? Just don’t pick up the damn phone! And comparing it to “a disaster” is a bit over-exaggerated.

Lady Gaga, why you no turn phone off???

Now, here comes the music video. A little less than 50% is the actual song. Most of it is a poor attempt for a movie.

Female prisons are part of every male sexual fantasy. The one from Telephone is an exception. Why? Because it has Lady Gaga. I cannot imagine the idiot who had the idea to do this? WE DON’T WANT TO SEE LADY GAGA NAKED!!! If possible, I’d not like to see her at all, but that’s life.

It's a trap!

The intro is too long.  You have to wait until 2:54 to actually hear some music. Until, then you get to watch Lady Gaga being weird.

I like it how in the beginning the “female” guard explains that Lady Gaga lacks male genitalia. It is as if they are trying to convince us that she is actually a woman.

At this point, I’d like to introduce to you a new segment called: “The WTF Lady Gaga moment”. It’s time devoted to admiring the fashion taste of Lady Gaga and questioning on her sex.

WTF Lady Gaga Moment 1

One of the main reasons why female prisons are a male fetish is the possibility of lesbians engaging in diverse sexual activities. I highly doubt that any man had ever imagined something similar to this video.

Not your average lesbian fantasy

Oh and at this point, I believe it’s worth mentioning who has sponsored this piece of shit.

Virgin mobile - you don't need to be a virgin to use us

I bet Virgin Mobile regret this right now.

The next scene we see a girl fight. It’s at this point that you might ask yourself: “Don’t they wear uniforms in prisons?” If you do have such questions, leave them away. There are too many other things which make no sense. It’s no time to be picky now.

So, as I said, this is the scene when the song actually starts. We are almost at the three minutes mark. Oh, and of course, how can we forget another WTF moment.

WTF Lady Gaga Moment 2

Afterward, we are awarded by a lingerie dance scene. This would have been hot if not for the boner-breaker Lady Gaga.

WTF Lady Gaga Moment 3

Lady Gaga leaves the prison and this makes us very happy because we will not see her naked anymore.

This moment of joy is brought to you by Virgin Mobile

So now, we have Beyoncé and Lady Gaga together in the car. Would this mean an interesting sex scene? Or probably a twist in the glorious plot of this video? No. But we do have another WTF moment.

WTF Lady Gaga Moment 4

I can never really understand the meaning of the car scene. I guess that Lady Gaga and Beyoncé are some sort of girlfriends. Nevertheless, this does not explain the nonsensical clichés. Let’s observe for a moment the wisdom leaking out of Lady Gaga’s mouth.

Lady Gaga: You sure you want to do this, honey bee?

Beyoncé: What do you mean am I sure?

Lady Gaga: You know what they say:  “Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger.”

Who says that, Gaga? Who? I have worked at Burger King and McDonald’s. No one has EVER said something that stupid! NO ONE!!!

So, the following scene, we have Lady Gaga and Beyoncé killing, for God knows what reason- it’s not important, all the customers in a restaurant. Their plan is ingenious: Gaga, dressed as a waitress, poisons the food of everybody. The average listener might ask himself or herself: “Who would engage Lady Gaga as a waitress? How can she poison the entire kitchen?” Well, as previously mentioned, such questions are futile. Why? Because we have another WTF moment.

WTF Lady Gaga Moment 5

This WTF moment was brought to you by Miracle Whip!

Miracle Whip - yeah, we regret it.

It is hard to say, but the video actually made sense until now. From now on, it went fully into an orgy of idiocracy.

Beyoncé is asking herself when did her career go so wrong

It is seriously series of spasms, repeated lyrics and absurd dances. And of course, we have:

WTF Lady Gaga Moment 6

So, this is it. Still, I feel that something is missing. Yes, yes, something essential. What could it be?

Oh yes, Beyoncé was not featured in any of the WTF Lady Gaga moments. No worries, it’s easily fixed:

WTF Lady Gaga Moment 7

Now, the song is okay, but the video is extremely annoying. The thing I hated the most was the featuring of the Pussy Wagon. Why did Tarantino let this be in it? Is he so desperate for money?

I'd sell my mother to have more money!!!

The good news is that it’s over. After 9 minutes and 31 seconds of torture, Telephone is over. No more. None.

fml

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